WHAT I'M SCARED OF
for so long I have been scared to be seen.
scared to be my true self. because my true self isn’t always the happy, bubbly, enthusiastic person I want to be; the person I am at my best. my true self is also anxious. I overthink, I over-analyse, I’m driven to the point where I put endless amounts of pressure on myself to do more, to be more. I find it hard to stay present, to be fully in the moment, to always be fully with someone when I feel this way. I try to hide how I feel, suppress it, distract and avoid these emotions to present myself how I envision myself to be. to be that happy person, even when I’m not. why? I’m scared of rejection. i’m scared of judgement, i’m scared that if I show someone all of the messy parts of me that it’ll be too much for them. because it’s too much for even me, sometimes, and if I could, I would want to leave it all, so why wouldn’t someone else abandon me?
I’m scared of being too much, yet simultaneously not enough.
I’m scared to not please others. I’m scared to put myself first, to talk too much about myself, to be a hassle, be annoying, be needy, be dependant. I’m scared that by letting someone in I’ll lose all sense of control; I won’t be productive, I won’t keep up, I’ll fall behind in life. I’m scared that I’ll have to hide, have to bury everything away and shrink myself to fit their ideal, when all I want to do is to show them that I’n not the perfect human that I want to be, that i’m still healing, still learning.
I know I need to let go of these fears and open. I know. and I know that if someone doesn’t still like what I show them, then the truth is that they’re not someone I should have in my life. but that still doesn’t make it easier, it still doesn’t make laying yourself bare easy when you know your decision could result in loss. You could lose someone. because of you. the thought of it being your fault doesn’t become any less prominent in your mind, even when you see the falseness.
i’m scared for my mind to be seen, even more than my body. though that doesn’t stop the critical voice picking out things, overthinking things, trying to compensate and calculate and numb the anxiety current that fizzes away when I look in the mirror.
because my body can be changed. but my mind… not so much. at least, not as quickly. some can be changed, but some of it is just intrinsically, simply, ME. and sometimes, that’s even harder to accept - that these things are just personality traits, things that I won’t be able to let go of eventually like others.
and then there are the others, the things I know in time I will conquer and overcome. but in the meantime, what do I do? how do I let go of them enough to let someone else in?
how will that person feel when i’m distant and detached, riddled with anxiety, stagnant and negative? what if they never get to see me as my truest, highest self; the person I used to be, the person I still am, underneath it all?
will that voice ever dissipate, the one that tells me i’m not worthy, not deserving? only deserving when, or if? the one that tells me I need to earn my time with them, be more productive, that I can’t become too relaxed, too complacent? the one that wants to exert control; that becomes rigid and inflexible and unable to compromise - the one that makes me selfish; the part I hate the most of all. the part that wants me to please others, yet abide to it’s rules that sometimes irradiate anyone else’s opinion, ideas or feelings. the part that will belittle me for not following it’s rules, but will also belittle me for being unable to flow with others. the conflicting contradiction of criticism that crumbles my self-worth, any value I can withhold to myself.
I so badly want to be seen. Want to show others and the world who I am, to live my truth, life my life for me and not in accordance to the rules of something else. to be able to give to others from a place of wholeness, to not pour from an empty cup.
But the fear still holds me back. Underneath everything, the fear of failure, not being good enough, of rejection and judgement, is one fear, bigger than everything else. A fear that doesn’t make sense, with my raging independence, love of solo travel, my intense need to exert control over my own life and my actions, my comfort in being distant, detached, isolated.
I’m scared of being alone.